We Have a Proposition
by EagleDaydream
Summary: Humor fic of LOTF, includes a song parody of 'Camp Grenada'. Rather funny, in my opinion. XD The rating's for limited swearing. R&R, please! :D


"We Have a Proposition!"  
  
(*Lord of the Flies Humor Fic)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any Lord of the Flies characters. I don't own the song that I made a parody of. Alright? ^.^  
  
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(All Lord of the Flies Characters walk forward, on a stage in an auditorium, decorated with blue curtains; the floorboards are waxed and polished wood. There is no light other than upon the stage-- covering its span, and on the one person-audience-- the author, seated on a red, velvet chair about halfway up the auditorium.)  
  
Author: I'm likin' the chair..  
  
*Ralph coughs.*  
  
Author: Oh, right, I'm watching now. [Shuts up.]  
  
Ralph: We have a proposition..  
  
*Wild screams erupt from Jack's tribe.*  
  
Ralph: Shut up, already! I'm trying to speak!  
  
Jack: Ooh, don't have your precious conch, do you?  
  
Ralph: No, but, well, I..  
  
Jack: Who cares?! I'm chief! Not you!  
  
Roger: He's chief!  
  
*More wild screams erupt.*  
  
Author: SHUT UP! Let the boy speak, dammit!  
  
*Jack whimpers.*  
  
Jack {quietly, mumbling}: Who made her author?  
  
Ralph: Anyway! As I was saying, we have a proposition!  
  
*Wild screams erupt from Jack's tribe, again.*  
  
Piggy: We are NOT starting this again!  
  
Roger: Hey! Wait!  
  
All: What?  
  
Roger: But--  
  
Piggy: I'm trying to speak!  
  
Roger: I--  
  
Jack: Quiet!  
  
Roger: Killed--  
  
Ralph: Stop!  
  
Roger: Piggy!  
  
Piggy: What?  
  
Simon: You what?  
  
Roger: AAHH!  
  
Ralph: But you're dead!  
  
Roger: And so is--  
  
Jack: Didn't we tell you to shut up?  
  
Roger: BUT!  
  
*All erupt into mindless jabber.*  
  
Author: EVERYONE, SHUT THE HELL UP!  
  
Jack: Well you don't have to be so pushy! Hmf!  
  
Samneric: Yeah!  
  
Author: Where'd you two come from?  
  
Sam: We were--  
  
Eric: --always here.  
  
Sam: Didn't you--  
  
Eric: --notice us?  
  
Author: Just forget I asked.  
  
Sam: Ok--  
  
Eric: --ay.  
  
Ralph: I'm going to speak now.  
  
*Ralph waits for wild screams.*  
  
*The room is silent.*  
  
Ralph: ..it's a miracle.  
  
Samneric: Talk already!  
  
Ralph: Okay, okay.  
  
*Jack taps his foot, impatiently.*  
  
Ralph: What's your problem?  
  
Jack {peeved}: I have a pig to kill..  
  
*Ralph rolls his eyes.*  
  
Roger: What a prick.  
  
Ralph: I AM NOT!  
  
Roger: ARE TOO!  
  
Ralph: AM NOT!  
  
Roger: ARE TOO!  
  
Author {quietly, losing patience}: ..my God..  
  
*Author rubs her forehead.*  
  
Simon {timidly}: The author is losing her patience, guys.  
  
Maurice {sarcastically}: Well, let us bow to the high and mighty author.  
  
Author: Good idea!  
  
*Maurice begins bowing.*  
  
Maurice: Hey! Stop! I don't want to bow do you! Hey!  
  
All: SHUT UP!  
  
*Maurice whines pitifully.*  
  
Jack: Ralph, just say it. Spit it out, now!  
  
*Everyone besides Ralph cheers for Jack.*  
  
*Jack bows, blushing.*  
  
Jack {quietly, blushing}: I love my public.  
  
Ralph: I'm going to say it.  
  
*Silence.*  
  
Ralph {quickly}: Youneedtowritetherestofyourstory,theConsequencesofHumankindoritwilltakeyoufo revertogetitdone,don'tyouunderstand?Weneedtocontinuewiththestoryline,rightgu ys?Right?ThereIsaidit!WHOO!  
  
All: What?  
  
*Ralph faints.*  
  
*Simon kneels beside Ralph, grabs a bucket of water from nowhere, and throws it on Ralph.*  
  
*Ralph screeches.*  
  
Piggy: What he's trying to say--  
  
Jack: I know a lot better what he meant than you! He's trying to say that you, author-girl there, you need to finish writing the rest of your Lord of the Flies story-in-progress, or it'll take you forever to finish it. And no one wants that, right?  
  
*Wild cheers.*  
  
Jack: I love my public. [Eyes tear up.]  
  
Robert: Yeah! We don't want to be stuck on the ship forever!  
  
Roger: But being stuck on the island was fun..  
  
Jack {laughing}: Oh yeah, real fun.  
  
Ralph: You are a damned psycho!  
  
Maurice: Wait, doesn't that remind you of a song?  
  
All: What song?  
  
*Silence.*  
  
Samneric: OH!  
  
*Music cues in.*  
  
Sam: Hello muddah!  
  
Eric: Hello faddah!  
  
Maurice: Here I am at--  
  
Robert: --the.. uh.. metaphoric island!  
  
Jack: The island's very..  
  
Roger {evilly}: ..entertaining.  
  
Ralph: And they say we'll have some fun if it's Roger we manage taming.  
  
*Everyone laughs.*  
  
Robert: I went hiking with Piggy.. Spivey.  
  
Jack {smirking}: He developed poison ivy.  
  
Piggy: You remember Robert.. Skinner.  
  
Ralph {smirking}: He got food poisoning last night after dinner.  
  
Jack {upset}: Hey! My cooking isn't that bad.  
  
Piggy: There are no grown-ups.  
  
Simon: There are no waiters.  
  
Ralph: We think the lake has  
  
Roger: Alligators!  
  
Maurice: And the chief Jack wants no sissies,  
  
Roger: And his mood is often very quite pissy!  
  
*Jack screeches and leaps at Roger, tackling him to the ground.*  
  
*The two wrestle each other on the floor, while the rest keep singing.*  
  
Sam: Now I don't want this to scare ya.  
  
Eric: But my twin Sam thinks he has malaria!  
  
Ralph: You remember Simon.. Hardy.  
  
Jack {still wrestling on the floor, laughing}: They're about to organize a searching party!  
  
*Simon whines.*  
  
Sam: Take me home, oh Muddah, Fadduh!  
  
Eric: Take me home, I hate the island!  
  
Piggy: Don't leave me here- there's a freak Roger, who's evil to the core.  
  
*Roger growls, still wrestling around with Jack.*  
  
Simon: And I might get eaten by a boar!  
  
Ralph: Take me home!  
  
Maurice: I promise I will not make noise,  
  
Roger and Jack: Or mess the house with other boys!  
  
Robert: Oh please don't make me stay,  
  
Samneric: There are strong suspicions that Ralph and Jack are gay!  
  
*Everyone pauses.*  
  
*Jack throws Roger off, and stands up, glaring at Samneric.*  
  
*Ralph glares at Samneric, as well.*  
  
*Ralph and Jack scream wildly, both charging at Samneric at the same time.*  
  
*Samneric scream, but are tackled by the two, falling to the ground, wrestling around.*  
  
*Roger joins the fit of kicking, punching, and screaming.*  
  
Robert: Dearest Fadduh.  
  
Maurice: Darling Muddah.  
  
Simon: How's my precious little bruddah?  
  
Piggy: Please come save me, if you miss me.  
  
Simon: Though you'd end up posting that, 'This Child is Missing!'  
  
*Author gets up angrily, wailing.*  
  
Maurice: Wait a minute!  
  
Robert: Are we failing?  
  
Piggy: The author's leaving!  
  
Simon: The author's wailing!  
  
*Roger is thrown off of the pile of boys.*  
  
Robert: I think we might've..  
  
Maurice: Failed our purpose!  
  
Piggy: And I fear that--  
  
Simon: Roger's lurking!  
  
*Roger tackles Simon to the ground-- and manages to join back into the pile of the others wrestling.*  
  
Maurice: I guess it looks like..  
  
Robert: That time again.  
  
Piggy: We're not going to hide..  
  
Maurice: Off in a pig's den!  
  
*Piggy glares.*  
  
Robert: Guess it's time to  
  
Maurice: Save the day!  
  
*Piggy, Maurice, and Robert jump on to the pile of wrestling boys, and join in.*  
  
Ralph and Jack: We've told you over and over that we are NOT gay!  
  
*Music fades out.*  
  
[Hours later: all the boys are beaten up, with black eyes, and whatnot.]  
  
Simon: Everyone, the author left.  
  
Ralph: Dammit.  
  
Roger: Jolly good show, although!  
  
Jack: Hah! I'm not in the choir for nothing!  
  
The Other Choir Boys: Yeah!  
  
*Silence.*  
  
Piggy: We should go now.  
  
Robert: Yeah.  
  
Ralph: Good idea.  
  
*Everyone stands.*  
  
Jack: I lead! I'm chief!  
  
Ralph: Not this again.  
  
*Everyone screeches, chasing each other offstage.*  
  
  
  
++THE END.++  
  
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Dear God! Where'd that come from? Oh, well. That was REALLY strange, but nevertheless, I had a fun time writing it! ^.^ My own little memo to remind me to write and type more of the Consequences of Humankind.  
  
Oh, and just a note, I have nothing against gays, so don't flame me for it. Eh. It's a parody, y'know. ^.^ ..I needed to incorporate the Ralph/Jack common slash. Ee!  
  
Hope you liked!  
  
Thanks for reading! XD 


End file.
